


Save Your Breath

by Safe_Without



Series: Songs of Desperation [2]
Category: Journey to Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ass Play, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Visions, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Nightmares, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Smut, The story will be getting A LOT darker from here, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2019-07-28 01:05:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16231004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Safe_Without/pseuds/Safe_Without
Summary: The sacrifice needed to complete your training had taken its toll on your mental wellbeing. You were exponentially becoming darker, and Kylo was honestly helpless to do anything about it. The fact that you had finished your training before him had been a low blow to his pride. What kind of pressure will that put on your relationship?A new enemy to the First Order has risen: The Resistance. With Leia Organa at its head, you knew this was a threat to be taken seriously. Moreso when you found out Poe Dameron, who was like a brother to the person you used to be, was Commander of this organization.Visions of a young girl in a desertic planet plague your mind... Who was she? Why is the Force showing you this?(Please, please, please read the first part of this before you read this story. I fear you wouldn't catch on to what is going on if you haven't read Save Your Secrets!)





	1. Subzero

You'd been freezing for years on end now. It wasn't because you were back on Starkiller Base, the building was tempered so as to keep the harsh subzero temperatures of the planet outside. And yet, you were still freezing. No matter how many robes you threw on, or how warm the fabric was, a chill would be with you all day and all night as well. You wondered if perhaps your blood had turned cold ever since the day you had executed your father on that volcanic moon in the Kalakar system.  _ **Thump**_. There was that sound again, the sound of his severed head hitting the durasteel floor of that platform.  _ **Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.**_

You squeezed your eyes as tightly as you could while you shook your head from side to side. A twinge of worry came from your chest, but it was a reflection of someone else's sentiment. You gazed at the source of this feeling, meeting the emotionless stare of Kylo Ren's helmet.  _—"Are you okay?"_ His voice asked inside your mind. You gave an almost imperceptible, yet firm, nod in his direction. This prompted him to turn his attention back to the debriefing meeting you were in.

Armitage Hux, imponent and dapper as ever, was holding a meeting with a select few members of the higher echelons of the First Order. Phasma was there, getting key points in the way her Stormtroopers were set to act during this new phase of the construction of Starkiller Base. Kylo and you were there in representation of the Knights of Ren. A mere formality, since you got your instructions directly from Supreme Leader Snoke himself. You suspected both of you had to attend these meetings just to get a few scares out of the officers so Phasma and Hux could have a proper laugh. A few higher officers were there, getting instructions on the espionage network the First Order had going on every move from The Resistance.

 **The Resistance.** Truly, the one true menace to the First Order that had risen since its creation. It was an organ meant to fight against the First Order, starting by exposing its intentions to rule the Galaxy to the New Republic's Galactic Senate. Yet, it was a difficult task, as Hux and Supreme Leader had taken matters into their own hands to dispose of anyone or anything that could possibly link the First Order to any action of malevolent intent. Still, there was one thing they had on their side: Leia Organa was the General of the Resistance. —"She's no more than a woman." Kylo had once told you. Yet, you knew that there was nothing more dangerous than a woman with a broken heart. Han Solo had abandoned her, and her only son had defected to the enemy side. She wasn't out to get back at the First Order, she was out to get her son back.

—"That will be all for now." Armitage's posh voice called. —"Unless there is anything any of you would like to add?"

Silence reigned in the room, all of the officers to scared to ask their General a single thing. Then that crackled static came, and as much as you liked Hux, you couldn't help the devious smile that came to your lips. Hux's left eye twitched. —"I want to know what my Knight’s situation is. You will debrief me on it...  _now._ " Kylo's voice called out imperatively.

Hux gave Kylo one of his signature smug half-smiles. —"I'd be glad to, Ren. We can do this some other time in--"

—"No, we will do this  _now._ " You could feel the collective fear in the room grow, especially among the officers. —"Dismiss them. Debrief me." He said coldly.

The General held Kylo's gaze firmly, seemingly unafraid. —"Everyone dismissed." You made a move to stand and leave. —"You're not just anyone, Myra. Please, stay." Hux politely gestured the seat you had just stood from, and you obediently sat back on it. 

Phasma was the last to leave, but before doing so she reminded Armitage. —"I will be on the bridge. Take your time." He simply gave a curt nod.

The second the door closed. Armitage angrily slammed his fists on the table. —"What the fuck do you want, Ren?! Quit making me waste my time with your stupid nonsense. You can perfectly ask Knight Kana what it is she and I are working on and leave me the fuck alone."

Kylo childishly mirrored the General's actions and slammed his fists even harder. —" **I** am the  **Master**  of the Knights of Ren. You do anything to any of my Knights and you debrief directly to  **me** on their activities. Supreme Leader has told you of this. I will not waste your time as long as you don't make me waste mine going after you all day to get a damn debriefing, you evasive cunt."

Hux stood from his spot and pointed an accusing finger at Kylo. —"YOU INSOLENT FUCK!" It was always comical to you how quickly Armitage went red when Kylo got him to his tipping point. —"How dare you speak to me like that?! I am the General of the First Order! I'm your superior!"

His fists unnaturally lifted in the air and slammed against the table. Kylo was using the Force on him. In a single stride, you stood up from your seat. —"Enough." You coldly, but calmly, called. —"Let him go." You instructed the man beside you. —"Sit." Armitage silently obeyed. 

You could almost feel Kylo's satisfied grin underneath his helmet. —"What. Is. My. Knight. Doing?"

An angry sigh left Hux's flared nostrils. —"She's found a huge deposit of Kyber Crystal in the depths of the planet." He said simply. —"We're working on a method to extract the Kyber without fracturing it. Kana has been of great help, she's a gifted person. Perhaps she should have been an engineer."

—"Does Supreme Leader know of this deposit?" Hux nodded. —"Has he told you his intentions for its use?"

The General frowned. —"That is something between Supreme Leader and me. Go ask him about it."

Kylo huffed. —"I will not waste Supreme Leader's time with such matters."

—"But you'll waste mine?" Armitage stood from his place. —"I've debriefed all that's mandatory for me to tell you. If there is any advance on the process I will let you know. For now... just leave me alone, Ren." And with that, the General walked out of the conference room

You could feel Kylo's silent anger from his spot next to you. How childish of him to be pissed off because he didn't get to have the last word. Silence reigned between you two as he moodily crossed his arms across his chest. —"That was cruel, Kylo." You spoke softly. He simply stared at you through the visor of his helmet and said nothing. —"Armitage isn't Force sensitive, it's unfair that you use that to your advantage."

Crackled static left the voice distorter of his helmet as he huffed. —"You say that as though you don't use your Force abilities as advantage over enemies."

You rolled your eyes. —"That's exactly the problem! Hux isn't your enemy, he's on the same side as we are. Yet, you treat him as though he is an enemy."

He stood up and began walking out of the room, stopping behind your seat and placing a hand on your shoulder. —"I don't want to fight over this." Then, he slipped out of the room in a sudden hurry.

As the door closed behind him, you lifted your mental shields to him. You needed to meditate. Never would you have thought that Supreme Leader would ask you to meditate. Then again, you were not a Dark sider per se, Snoke wanted all of you to walk along the thin rope of balance in the Force. Now that you had been required to go fully dark, it was harder for you not to unconsciously slip back into the Dark. The power you gained from going a few shades darker was nearly consuming, almost like how you felt with draining. Raw energy and strength traveled through you when you involuntarily slipped, it was almost like being on a body and mind all-time high. Yet, as you slipped back into the Light, it felt as though you were hungover. As if getting cold chills running up your spine throughout the day wasn't bad enough, you were also getting nightmares and visions every time you slept. This of course, only caused you to easily go Dark again, making the cycle come full circle over and over again.

And so, you walked to one of the calmest parts in the entire base: Kylo Ren's office in the higher echelon's division. Mainly two things made it the calmest part of base. For one, Kylo Ren had a deep hatred for formalities such as offices and meetings. You suspected this came from his experience of having spent most his time in places such as this as a child due to Leia and Han leaping from Senate office to the next when Organa was Senator to the New Republic. Secondly, and perhaps the most important reason,  **everyone**  on base was far too scared to ask  **anything**  to or from Kylo Ren. He had a reputation for being volatile, violent, dark and all together scary.

You couldn't blame them, really. You'd been on the receiving end of his anger, and it was not only scary, but also vulnerating. Still, they were yet to know true darkness. Only a select few had been witness to your powers. Supreme Leader had taken you in as his personal executioner. Whenever an enemy to the First Order was captured, he would first undergo Hux's questioning, then Kylo's, if neither of these got results, you would be the one to end their life right then and there. Though you had to admit that Kylo himself had gotten significantly darker, yet he was a lot less stable than you.

Your thoughts raged on, but then with a simple click, everything was gone. Your mind was empty and for a moment you were in the true balance. Quiet, peaceful. No cold shivers, no nightmares, no visions. Everything was still for a precious amount of time. Then, it came.  ** _Thump._** You remember there was no blood. The heat of your silver lightsaber had immediately cauterized his neck.  ** _Thump._** You remembered the look in Kylo's eyes and the way Daeva couldn't stop looking at the body.  ** _Thump._** And you were ashamed to say that you didn't feel regret or shame at that act.  _ **Thump.**_ Pride swelled within you and it honestly scared you to feel that way. 

The moment you opened your eyes, it was there. That pressure at the back of your neck that signaled you to sprint for the holo-communications room where Snoke called. You stood and walked out of Kylo's office and fast-walked around the base to get to Supreme Leader. You lowered your mental shields, knowing Supreme Leader would want them down to fully inspect your mind. It's not like there was much you could hide from him anyway, but you knew it would bother him to have you go in with your shields up. As soon as you lowered them, you noticed that Claec and Kylo were also in the holo-communications room with Snoke. You wondered what this meeting could possibly be about.

You arrived at the holo-communications room at the same time as General Hux. You tilted your head a bit to the right in curiosity. Without you needing to say anything, Armitage simply shrugged. —"I don't know what this is about either." Hux said a bit out of breath. Only then did you notice that he had been running, possibly to get to the holo-communications room faster. The door opened, and he gestured for you to go in before him. 

Upon your entrance, Supreme Leader Snoke and the two other Knights of Ren turned their attention to you. —"Ah, Myra." Snoke began. —"Good of you to join us, my girl. I was talking to Claec and Kylo Ren about something that might... be of interest to you." You nodded, urging him to go on. —"First, I want all of your helmets off." A could of confusion formed between the three of you, but the helmets came off instantly. —"Now, children. I have a very important mission that I can only give to the very best I have. There will be a reconnaissance mission to one of the First Order ruled planets. This is to be done by the Resistance, not the New Republic, which could prove problematic to us. They are sending their best: Commander Poe Dameron. I want you to capture him and bring him to the Supremacy, he is to be interrogated and perhaps later used as a bargaining chip."

The news hit you like a thousand bricks. Your mother was close friends with Lieutenant Shara Bey. This woman had a son, a charming boy that was four years older than you and had curly dark brown hair and tan skin. You met him when he was seven and you were three, but a year later tragedy struck him. His mother died, and his father disappeared, and so, the recently orphaned boy became part of your household life. Your mother took him under her wing, and for the next couple of years, the boy became like an older brother to you. Ben Solo never really cared for him at all, but you do remember the nasty face he gave Poe when he hugged you goodbye before you left to train with Skywalker.

—"When are we set to leave, Supreme Leader?" Claec's voice pulled you out of your reminiscing.

You looked at Supreme Leader, his eyes firmly fixed on you. Not only his, but Kylo was looking at you in slight confusion. Snoke drew in a sharp breath. —"I want you and Armitage to travel ahead of Kylo and Myra Ren. Leave tonight." Claec and Armitage nodded in unison. —"One more thing: it is of utmost importance to act unbothered by the Resistance. If they know we are actively working against them, they might actually make a case against the First Order in the New Republic Senate."

—"Yes, Supreme Leader." Claec and Armitage chorused together.

Snoke nodded. —"Now, leave me with these two. Go pack."

Hux cleared his throat. —"Supreme Leader, if I may..." He began as Claec turned and exited the room. Snoke nodded slowly, signaling him to go on. —"I wish to discuss with you about the Kyber deposits. Knight Kana has some interesting ideas for it, we were planning on coming to talk to you about this later."

Snoke hummed. —"Let me speak to Kylo and Myra, I'll have Kana and you summoned as soon as I'm done." Armitage nodded and turned on his heel and exited the room without saying another word. Supreme Leader then turned to look between you and Kylo, then sighed sharply. —"Is Dameron going to be a problem? Tell me now before I send you two to ruin this mission."

—"I will make sure everything is kept under control." Kylo said suddenly. All you could do was hang your head in shame.

Supreme Leader coughed. —"Look at me, both of you." It took effort to pry your eyes off the floor and glance up at Snoke. He lifted his chin up a bit, just so he could look down on you. —"Helmets will be absolutely  **mandatory** for you two in this mission. I can't risk anyone at the Resistance knowing that we have Myra. People know it was Han Solo's child who performed the massacre back in Ossus, but they don't know which students lived. From the intel we've gathered, we know for sure they don't know about Myra. Is that clear?"

You sank your head in a firm nod. —"Of course, Supreme Leader."

He exhaled sharply, then turned to look at Kylo. —"Should Dameron prove to be too much of a problem, kill him." You swallowed thickly as you desperately tried to silence your thoughts. —"I'd rather have them lose their best man than get the information I want off him." Kylo just nodded once. —"Leave." The two of you turned to leave, but as soon as you gave the first step, Snoke chuckled mirthlessly. —"Not you, Myra."

A shaky breath left you as you stopped in your tracks. You turned to face Supreme Leader once again, hearing as the door opened and closed behind you when Kylo left. —"Yes, Supreme Leader?"

The holo-image of him simply tapped its fingers against the armrest of his throne. —"It has been little over three years since Kalakar Six. You're not a teenager anymore, you're not a green little Jedi anymore, you're not just some addition or accessory to Kylo Ren. You are an adult now, you are your own person. So, I will only ask this once more: is Dameron going to be a problem or not?"

You cleared your throat before answering. —"As long as Kylo Ren is there, I should have no problem with Dameron."

—"No!" Snoke suddenly bellowed. He stood from his throne. —"How can you be your own person if you need him there every step of the way?" He shook his head as he paced from side to side. —"Perhaps I was wrong to grant you full Knighthood before I gave it to Kylo Ren." The pacing continued. —"You know, at first I thought I could use you to stabilize the erratic teenager Skywalker gave me. Then, I realized your potential and decided to cultivate it alongside his. And now?" He chuckled incredulously. —"Now I have two erratic kids to handle myself."

—"I will prove my worth to you, Supreme Leader." You said with your head sunk low. 

Snoke didn't look very convinced. He finally sighed and sat back on his throne. He stared at you for a couple moments before waving his hand. —"Don't make me regret this, child."

You sank your head in a single nod and put your helmet back on before walking away. As soon as you opened the door, you were met by Armitage and Kana. They were patiently waiting outside the holo-communications room, so they could speak to Snoke. Hux's face lit up when he saw you. —"I need to ask a favor of you! Could you get ahold of Ren? Kana says she can't find him, but I'm sure you'd be able to. I believe that what I wish to debrief to Supreme Leader will be of interest to him."

You looked at Kana. —"His connection to me is cut off on his end." She simply shrugged. —"I don't know why, but you know what him cutting his connection means. It would be best if you found him, and quick."

Hux looked between the two of you with a thoroughly confused frown on his face. —"He better not be damaging my equipment again." He said quietly.

—"I'll make sure he doesn't." You said before you strode off in a hurry.

Kylo thought he could hide from you, but even with his mental shields lifted as high up as he could get them, you could still feel his soul. You wondered if this connection you had to his very soul and not his mind per se was due to that time you tried to Force drain him and you literally touched his soul. You knew that his mental connection to you was completely shut off, you simply wanted to know why he had cut himself off from even you. Perhaps you had made him angry because you still cared for Poe? How could he blame you for it though? The guy had been like a brother to you, and even if you understood that it had been a past life in the one you had been friends with Poe, you would still care for him anyway. Just in the same way that you would care for your mother if she hadn't been killed by that monster.

All things aside, you had to find Kylo. You knew you weren't going to find him in a good state of mind, but you also knew you were ready and able to face anything he could throw your way. You were confused to find that the trail of him that you were following led beyond the entrance to the facility and into the snow. An angry sigh left you. You couldn't believe that you would actually have to do this. Still, you stepped into the snow. You followed his tracks in the snow. You were thankful that he hadn't taken a speeder, as it would have been harder for you to follow his track with the cold distracting you. 

Soon, you were in the woods. You could hear the crackling of Kylo's lightsaber at the distance. The cold had already numbed your fingers, but you still gathered all your strength and kept pushing forward. It didn't help that you had to walk uphill to get to where you could hear his lightsaber. When you reached the top, you were even more confused by what you were looking at. There was a clearing beneath you, no trees or rocks, and they seemed to have been removed. This was a man-made clearing. And there he stood, slashing at the snow. But, why? He was simply cutting at the ground beneath him.

—"Kylo!" You yelled. There was no response on his part. —"KYLO!" His slashing stopped.

He looked back at you, then made a motion with his hand for you to come down. You frowned underneath your helmet but obeyed anyway. The snow was slippery downhill, but with the help of the Force you were able not to tumble down face first into the snow. Once you were into the clearing, you ran towards him as he continued to slash at the floor. There was something odd about this place, and you couldn't understand for the life of you what Kylo was doing here. Something in the Force was incredibly off in this place, but you supposed Kylo understood better than you what was happening in that clearing. 

—"Have you ever been in a Kyber crystal cave?" Kylo asked suddenly.

The question completely threw you off. —"My mother owned the better part of the crystal caves back in Dantooine, but I never went near one." You explained as he continued to slash. —"What are you doing?"

He stopped. —"You really can't feel it, can you?" At your silence, he shook his head, then went back to slashing. 

You were growing tired of your question being ignored. —"What are you doing?"

Kylo sighed and then looked back at you. —"Are you going to help me or not?" He asked in a very rude tone.

—"How can I fucking help you if I don't know what you're doing?" You finally snapped.

He deactivated his lightsaber and clipped the hilt to his belt. Then, he took his gloved hands to his helmet, pressing the buttons at the jaw and taking it off. He let it fall into the snow unceremoniously, his cheeks almost instantly getting tinted pink with the cold. —"They are harvesting the Kyber and putting it all together in an underground facility. There is access from the inside of the building, but Hux apparently denied me clearance. I  **have to** know what they're doing with that much Kyber." His breath came out in puffs of smoke. He put his helmet back on. —"Now, will you help me, or not?"

You shook your head. —"No, Kylo, wait."

He extended his hands in a menacing matter. —"WHAT?!"

—"Don't yell at me." You said firmly. —"Hux and Kana are with Supreme Leader and Hux has asked you to be there for what he has to say."

A loud sigh came out of his voice modulator as mere static. —"I'm sorry I yelled."

You shook your head. —"It's okay. Let's just go back inside, please."

Kylo clipped the hilt of his lightsaber to his belt once again as he walked towards you. He extended his gloved hand to you, which you gladly took. Kylo put his arm around your shoulders and rubbed some heat into you. —"Are you very very cold?" You nodded. —"Let's get out of here quick."

When you reached the edge of the hill, Kylo used the Force to throw you up, and you used the Force to have a proper landing. Later, you helped pull him up with the Force. The two of you walked side by side as fast as you could to get back to the facility. Neither of you spoke, perhaps both of you too cold to utter a single word. As soon as you made it through the entrance of the base, Kylo sprinted off in the direction of the holo-communications room. You hoped that he wasn't to let to listen in on Hux and Kana's debriefing to Supreme Leader.

You made your way to the Knights' quarters, eager to get out of your cold, wet clothes. You were also looking forward to a long and silent meditation session. You needed to clear your mind off things. Dameron needed to be gone from your thoughts completely before you went on that mission. You even wondered if it would be a good idea to have Kylo delete all your memories of him, but you doubted Supreme Leader would agree with that and you really didn't want Kylo getting in trouble. He had a tendency for doing that himself and with no help whatsoever. Still, you were tempted to altogether forget about Poe Dameron, but a part of you wanted nothing more than to remember. 

As you walked into the Knights' quarters, you could hear chatter coming from the living room. Kieran, Claec and Vaatu were sitting in the living room. Claec was laying down on the couch, while Kieran was sitting with his feet propped up on the coffee table and Vaatu laid on the floor face down. All of their helmets were off. Upon seeing you, Claec sat up a little. 

—"Hey." He said simply before plopping down on the couch again. 

You took your helmet off as well. —"Hi, guys." Kieran and Vaatu greeted you as well. —"What were you doing?"

—"I was upstairs packing." Claec said.

You turned to Kieran. —"Vaatu and I were training, then we came back here."

—"And Kieran was telling us about his relationship drama." Vaatu added.

Kieran had been dating a mid-ranking female officer for quite some time now. His relationship to her was very on-and-off, which made Kana hating her make very much sense. Her name was Raina and she was a short woman with auburn curly hair and deep blue eyes that sort of reminded you of Claec's. Vaatu and Daeva's relationship had kept going smoothly, they rarely fought and had moved in together to the same room. Claec was very secretive about his love life, luckily for you, Hux wasn't. You'd known for quite some time that Claec and Hux had a thing, but it wasn't until their first BIG fight that Armitage came to you looking for advice. You wondered if Supreme Leader knew about his Knight and his General. You supposed he did with Hux not being Force sensitive and very much in love and hate with Claec. Their relationship had its ups and downs, mostly because of Claec's inability to properly commit and Hux's inability to just shut the fuck up from time to time.

You gave half a smile. —"Is Raina mad at you again?"

Kieran huffed. —"She says I'm to insensitive and that I make a joke out of everything."

You chuckled heartily. —"In time she will learn to appreciate your sense of humor. Trust me, it comes from someone who is dating someone with the sense of humor of a damn lamppost."

The three of them openly laughed at that. —"Oh, man. I can just picture that angry pout Kylo does whenever someone says a joke and he doesn't get it." Claec said, prompting another group laugh.

—"Does he ever laugh?" Vaatu asked.

You tried to think back to a moment when Kylo laughed or chuckled and it wasn't about sex. —"Yeah, but he's got a pretty dirty sense of humor. That's all I'm going to say."

The boys collectively made an "ooooh" sound as you walked up the stairs to your room. They knew what you were talking about. To be honest, it was the truth. You couldn't really recall a time when you'd heard Kylo laugh and it wasn't after or during sex. You supposed that was the only time when he was truly enjoying himself fully. Had they asked when Ben Solo laughed, you would've answered that he did all the time. He had been a playful kid and one of those charming and outgoing teenagers that ended up becoming the class clown. But you knew they weren't asking about that. Kieran and Claec had been there to see it too, so what would be the point in reminding them of that?

You decided to begin packing for tomorrow, your thoughts proving too raging for you to concentrate in meditation. You wondered if you should pack for Kylo or leave him to prepare his own luggage. After a few hours of deciding what and what not to pack, there was a knock on your door. You knew it was Kylo, you could feel his energy on the other side of the door. 

As you opened the door, you looked up at him curiously. He smirked at you softly. —"Hey." He said simply before leaning down to press a small peck to your lips. 

You smiled against his lips. —"Hi." 

—"I just came back. Claec and Hux are leaving in a few minutes. Are you going to say goodbye?"

You simply nodded as you walked towards the living room downstairs. You could hear Armitage's posh voice from upstairs. He was speaking to Daeva. —"I didn't know you came from a royal house." Daeva chuckled softly. —"You went from a princess to a Knight."

—"I know! What a sad downgrade, is it not?" Her voice was a bit more high-pitched than normal.

—"She still behaves like a damned princess, if you ask me." You grumbled quietly.

Daeva gasped in indignation. —"No one fucking asked you." She smirked at you. —"And like you're one to say! You were next in line to be the Hapan queen."

You scowled at her. —"Your mother was the Queen Mother of the Hapans?" Hux asked incredulously.

—"No. My father was the child of the last Queen Mother, but men have no place in the Hapes Consortium, so I became next in line when my mother died." You stated matter-of-factly.

Claec walked into the living room carrying his luggage and putting it next to Armitage's. —"Well, I'm a damn butcher's son."

Hux openly laughed. You could feel Kylo's irritation travel through the Force. —"Any other royals I should know of?"

—"Kylo, probably." Daeva began. You shot her a look to make her shut up. —"He would be prince of Alderaan if it still existed. Would he not?"

—"No." Kylo said dryly. —"Why don't you cut it out and let them leave, Daeva?"

Claec cleared his throat awkwardly as Daeva huffed. —"He-he's right, you know? It would be best if we get going." He picked his luggage up, then turned to look at you and Kylo. —"We'll see you guys tomorrow. I'll send the exact coordinates as soon as we get there."

You waved your hand goodbye at both of them.

As soon as the two of them were off, and the door closed behind them, Kylo turned to Daeva. —"Quit oversharing shit about my personal life."

She huffed once more. —"I swear it's almost like you're not proud of where you come from."

—"Would you be if you came from someone who is enemy number one of the people you're with now?" Kylo snapped at her. —"Would you be if you were on the side that is continuously doing assassination attempts of where you come from?" Daeva was silent. —"Well, would you?"

She shook her head no. —"You're right, Kylo. I'm sorry."

Kylo pulled his lips into a thin line and walked up the stairs quietly. You and Daeva shared a look as Kylo slammed his door. —"I'll go check on him." You placed your hand on her shoulder. You could feel her ebbing off embarrassment. —"Good night, Daeva." She nodded at you. 

You walked up the stairs and down the hall to Kylo's door. You knocked before entering. He told you to come in. He was going through his closet and packing. You sat at the edge of his bed. He threw one of his shirts at you for you to use as pajamas. —"You're sleeping here, aren't you?"

You nodded as you got out of your clothes, then put his huge shirt on. It fit him fine but went down to little above your knee. You crawled beneath the sheets and waited for him to join you, but the stress of your day got the better of you and you fell asleep while watching him pack.

 

 

 

_You saw seas upon seas of sand. There was sand all the way to the place where the land met the sky. You wondered why you had been brought here, what could be so interesting about sand? What was there for you to see here that was so important that the Force had taken you there? Nothing happened. The silky sound of the wind moving the sand was all you could hear. You resigned yourself to this boring vision and began walking. You walked for minutes, perhaps hours. You were just grateful that you weren't able to feel the uncomfortable, dry heat of the desert._

_Then, it came. A tiny voice at the distant. It was a child's voice, but the wind and the sand swallowed their words. You could just hear this child bellow at the distant. They were crying desperately, but their energy felt pure and untouched. Strong energy in the Force was firmly emitted by this child, yet it felt somewhat dormant. It was as though they were blissfully unaware of their Force sensitivity._

_Upon getting closer, you could see a small girl at the distance. A Crolute male held the girl by the hand. She struggled against his hold and pulled her body towards a silver ship. —"Noooo!" She bellowed as the ship's engines turned on. —"No! Come back!" The ship began take off. —"Come back! Come baaaaack!"_

_—"Quiet, girl!" The Crolute ordered as she kept struggling against his hold._

_You watched on as the girl cried as she watched the ship leaving the atmosphere. You felt a sudden need to help her, but there were more than a 100 desert planets in the whole wide galaxy. You weren't even sure if what you were seeing was happening in that moment, or had happened, or was going to happen. Still, there was a strong conviction inside yourself that urged you to find this girl. She was a fountain of light and power, and you could only imagine the strength and potential she held in the Force._

_You_ **_needed_ ** _to help her..._


	2. Rubatosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: graphic depiction of anxiety attack.

You were unable to go back to sleep after that vision. Your mind was completely torn. The girl was a beacon of light, full of hope and naïveness. A part of you felt like a moth, completely drawn towards her light and hoping to be consumed by it. Yet there was also a side of you that felt a migraine around that energy and wished to snuff it out. You guessed this was you feeling envious about the way that girl's energy felt. You remembered when you had been that bright, that full of life and goodness. Now, you were filled with hatred and anxiety, simply a shadow of what you used to be. You'd grown powerful, there was no denying that. But, truly, at what cost?

These thoughts proved too conflicting, as you had spent hours upon hours thinking of it. You knew you wouldn't be able to get any more sleep that night, but those envious thoughts were being too toxic for your mental wellbeing. And so, you decided to center your mind on another things. Your mind wandered back to earlier that day when you'd had to wander into the cold outdoors of Starkiller Base looking for Kylo. He'd gone through all that trouble simply because he didn't trust Hux. It wasn't like you could blame him, really. Hux was just as inaccessible as he was. Neither of them trusted the other and that was turning out to create a lot more trouble than you thought it would.

They needed to learn to trust each other, for the sake of the link between the First Order and the Knights of Ren. Still, it seemed as though all they could do when they were near each other was being snarky and distrustful. You had tried several times to use your friendship with Hux and your relationship with Kylo as a way to link them. You were attempting to at least have them be on cordial terms, more for the sake of their working relationship than anything else. Especially after you'd seen the lengths both Kylo and Hux were willing to get to just to piss the other off. If Kylo asked about what Hux was doing with Kana, Hux would deny him clearing to his project, so Kylo would go out into the cold and try to cut a whole into the facility. 

Perhaps if Hux reported to you instead of Kylo things would be so much easier. Everything would go so much smoothly, plus, Kylo would be able to ditch most of those tedious meetings he hated attending to. It would free much of his time and Hux would be delighted not to have him there. Maybe even having Claec stand in for him would be more optimal to the way these debriefings went on about. Supreme Leader would be happy not to have to deal with that pair of small children anymore. 

You were lying in bed on your side, giving your back to Kylo. When his big arm snaked around you, a warm feeling traveled to your stomach. —"Good morning." He said groggily as he pressed a small peck to the back of your neck. 

—"Good morning." You said with a silly smile plastered on your face.

Kylo yawned. —"You sound far too awake."

You chuckled softly. —"I couldn't go back to sleep after a dream I had."

He hummed and pressed a peck to your shoulder. —"Bad dream?"

You shook your head against the pillow. —"Not really. It just... got me thinking about... stuff." You turned around to face him. —"I actually want to speak to you about something."

He lifted his eyebrows expectantly. —"What about?"

—"Don't you think it would perhaps be more efficient if Hux were to debrief to me instead of you?" A frown settled on his face as soon as you finished the question. You kept on talking before he could say anything else. —"I just mean to say that Hux clearly doesn't trust you and you don't trust him either. What he did about not giving you clearance and then you wandering into the woods... that's got to stop. Don't you think?"

Kylo let out an annoyed sigh as he sat up. He turned around to face you. —"I am the Master of the Knights of Ren. What you guys do or don't do is solely my responsibility." He began before standing up. —"I don't care if Hux doesn't trust me, I don't trust him either and he's just going to have to suck it up."

You sat up on the bed. —"But--"

—"There is no but in this, Myra." He said angrily. —"I can't have you do that because I have an authority to uphold. How do you think it would look it the Master of the Knights of Ren were to send another of the Knights to be debriefed in something as serious as this?"

You shook your head. —"You don't need to hold any authority with us, you know? We all respect you and look to you for directions."

He ran his hands down his face in exasperation. —"You're completely missing the point! You forget that I'm also the Commander of the First Order. I know you guys trust me, but that's only because you know me already. Officers are present when Hux debriefs to me, admirals, captains, all of Hux's personal staff. I have a reputation to keep with this entire base!" Kylo shook his head at you. —"It's incredibly conceited of you to think that the Knights are all I have to worry about."

You huffed indignantly. —"That's unfair! You're being unfair! I know you have more things to take care of, that's precisely why I'm trying to help you get some work off your back! I'm sure those officers, admirals or whatever the fuck won't even care you're not there."

—"Okay, look..." He sighed angrily. —"Put yourself in my damn shoes. Hux is a fucking  **General** , nearly 30 fucking years old, and people barely respect him. I'm 24, Myra. I'm a damn child overseeing the activities of an entire damn organization. You underestimate the importance in my work!" He rolled his eyes. —"You're honestly pissing me off. I didn't want to start my day like this." And that was all he said before he slammed the door to his personal bathroom.

A sigh escaped you as you lifted your eyebrows. Minutes after, you got the covers off you and walked out the room and into yours. Well, you thought that was going to go a completely different way. You were angry. You could consider everything he said. He had a very solid point, but the way he treated you was very unnecessary. It's not like you were trying to upstage or usurp him. You had no interest in being Master of the Knights of Ren. You had more than enough in your plate with everything Supreme Leader Snoke was already throwing your way. 

You hopped into the shower in hopes that it would help wash away your anger. You could feel your blood freezing from letting yourself get this angry. The water was hot as you desperately tried to rid yourself of the shiver you had broken into. The Dark side was to be reckoned with. As soon as the shivers begun was that your energy became a darker shade of grey. You focused on the way the water felt on your skin to dissipate your bad thoughts.  _ **Thump.**_  You squeezed your eyes shut as tight as you could.  _ **Thump. Thump.**_  The visions of his head falling were so lucid it was morbid. 

 _ **THUMP.**_ You were sweating even underneath the water. Your stomach flipped, and you felt the need to lurk. In a hurry you got out of the shower to throw the contents of your stomach into the toilet.  _ **Thump.**_  You coughed as a second fit overtook you. Your breathing was ragged and all you heard was the muffled sound of your heartbeat pounding in your ears.  ** _Thump. Thump. Thump._** A migraine was starting to set in. Your head swam as though you were going to faint. 

And then, you were covered with a towel and you felt someone rubbing your back. —"What happened?" His voice was very distant. —"Myra? Are you okay?"

You leaned into the hand at your back. —"I don't feel so well." Your voice came out raspy.

—"Did you-- Did you see something?" Kylo asked quietly. You managed a weak nod. —"Do you want to talk about it?" You moved your head to the side. 

You could hear him shuffle behind you. He wrapped the towel around you properly and pulled you onto his legs. You noticed he was already wearing a shirt as you leaned your head on his shoulder. The two of you were silent for a while as he held you against his chest. Eventually, your breathing got back to normal and so did your heartbeat. Your hearing was no longer muffled. The way Kylo's chest lifted up and down periodically was lulling you into a calmer state of mind. 

—"What time is it?" Your voice was soft.

He shook his head. —"We got up extra early. You've got lots of time to finish your shower."

You sighed in sudden relief. —"Oh... good." You were silent again. —"It's just I think I'd rather be in bed." He made a move to stand with you in his arms, but you stopped him. —"I want to brush my teeth."

—"Okay." 

He still helped you onto your feet. As you brushed your teeth he flushed the remnants of your episode. Kylo leaned against the cupboard next to the sink with arms crossed. Patiently, he waited until you were done brushing your teeth and then guided you into your bed. He crawled onto it alongside you. Almost immediately, you clung onto him, suddenly in great need for physical contact. He happily held you against him by the waist as you curled a leg over his body. His other hand went to rest at your thigh. This was horrible. Even after feeling spent from the episode you'd gone into, your mind raged.

You needed to get your mind cleared, and you felt guilty for using the fast way out as you bucked your hips into him. Instantly catching on to what you needed, Kylo let his hand wander up your thigh and onto your bare ass. You took that as your cue and you climbed onto him, quickly ridding yourself of the towel around you. You straddled his hips and felt his clothed and hardening member between your thighs. The friction as you ground yourself down on him was delicious. You hid your face into the crook between his neck and his shoulder and kissed the skin of his neck. Your chest was flush against his, so you could feel the way his breathing grew more rapid as he hardened further.

Kylo liked to take the lead in sex, he was that kind of guy. It had never bothered you as he was an extraordinary fuck. His girth paired up with his agility made him the perfect lover. So, you were delighted as he wrapped his arm tight around your waist and spread your right buttcheek with the other hand. He ground himself up into you at a faster pace and had you panting within seconds. You let your hands wander underneath his shirt as you slowly pulled it up, eager to undress him as soon as you could. A breathless moan left his mouth as he increased the pace at which he rubbed your bare core with his hardened, but unfortunately clothed dick. 

Sensing your thoughts, he stopped his humping to help you take his shirt off and slip out of his underwear. You gasped as he rammed into you with no hint whatsoever that he was doing it. He fully sheathed himself inside you, then began moving out of you just barely then burying himself to the hilt. Slowly, he flipped over so that he was above you now. He ran his hand up your left thigh and set it underneath your hips. The combination of his hips grinding down onto your clit as he slipped in and out of you had you clinging onto his back. 

Sighs of pleasure emitted by both of you filled the room when you began moving your hips against him at the same pace. His strokes became longer and rougher, the sound of skin slapping against skin was getting you to your tipping point. —"Get on your knees." He breathlessly instructed. You did as told and put your ass in the air as you laid bare on all fours before him. Something Kylo usually did when he was very horny, and truly spurred you on enormously, was jack off as he looked down into your spread sex. His labored breathing and the sound of his hand masturbating his dick rapidly was immensely hot to you. 

Finally, he stuck a single finger into your pussy, wiggling it around and sighing intensely. The finger was then replaced with his member and a tiny moan left your mouth. He fucked you ruthlessly, making your knees buck a bit. Then, he used the fingers of his left hand to flick your clit. You had fistfuls of linen held with white knuckles. He went the extra mile when he stuck the finger smothered in your juices inside your ass. Kylo had a tendency for getting as dirty as he could during morning sex. It was almost as if that energized him tremendously. 

You tried your best to muffle your moans as you pressed your face into the mattress. He pounded into you ruthlessly, and you were nearly at your tipping point. Kylo kept on rubbing your core, timing it perfectly with his thrusts. A change in his angle made him perfectly hit your G-spot. He chuckled mischievously at his finding, increasing the pace of his hips and his fingers. Your insides throbbed in anticipation, and when your orgasm hit you, it had your legs shaking uncontrollably. Kylo came little after you, a precious mix between a hum and a moan leaving his mouth.

He gently slapped your bum before pulling out of you, eliciting a small laugh out of you. As usual, he called a towel to his hand with the Force and you cleaned yourself. As you flipped over to be laying on your back, Kylo climbed atop of you, kissing your lips fiercely. You cupped his face with both your hands, getting small strands of his hair out of his face. His raven locks had gotten so long they nearly reached his shoulder now. You recalled that when you'd first come before Snoke his hair was so short you could still see his ears. His hair was damp with sweat.

—"You should get in the shower." He said softly against your lips.

You nodded up at him softly. Kylo planted one last peck to your lips before rolling off you. Without any further words, you got up and walked into the bathroom. That had been exactly what you needed. It was as though you'd been cleansed of bad vibes. Snoke was right. It had been you to level out Kylo at first, now it was him who helped you stay in line. It stung to have once been such a stable person that you were required to help another human being calm down. You were the one in need of help now. 

As you stepped out of the shower and looked at yourself in the mirror, nostalgia suddenly overtook you. There were dark bags underneath your eyes, you were skinnier yet stronger, a bit paler and your hair had gotten longer. You found that this had been a recurring pattern among most Knights. All of you had changed a big deal in the past three years. Kylo's hair was longer, he'd gotten a bit taller and a lot buffer, he looked angry most of the time now too. Claec had taken to keeping his head shaved, that made his eyes pop out so much more. Kieran had also opted for shorter hair and he'd grown his beard out a bit more, he'd also lost some weight. Kana's hair was as long as ever, but with the long nights Hux was making her work, her jolly mood was gone, and she had dark circles under her eyes. Daeva and Vaatu were pretty much the same, almost as if they were keeping each other well leveled.

After putting your armor on, boots, gloves and belt, you braided your slightly damp hair, so you could put your helmet on. You exited the bathroom, then looked at the time. It was still slightly early, you were going to be able to have breakfast before leaving. You stepped out of your room and walked down the hall leading to the stairs. Mid-hall, you became aware of the quiet chatter going on downstairs. You recognized it to be Kylo's voice, but he was talking far too low for your liking. You knew that he only took that tone when he was trying not to be heard. And so, you stayed upstairs, near the exit leading to the stairs. You eavesdropped as best you could.

—"Supreme Leader is happy, but I'm not too sure about this..." Kylo said.

There was a moment of silence. —"I confess I'm not very sure either..." Kana began, doubt laced in her voice. —"I tried to turn this in the Knight's favor, but I accidentally found out about the small rays."

Kylo hummed. —"And you showed that to Hux."

—"No." Her voice was barely above a whisper. —"He was there when I discovered it. Hux was the one to come up with the idea of using that in a larger scale, not me. I swear."

—"No, no, no. I believe you, it's just..." He sighed. —"I don't know if I like this pinned on you."

Kana clicked her teeth. —"What's that supposed to mean?"

—"Not like that, come on, Kana." His voice raised a bit, then dropped again. —"This has way more potential of destruction than the Second Death Star. I fear what Snoke and Hux might want to use it on."

Death Star? What was going on down there? You battled between wanting to further eavesdrop or walking down there and speaking to them directly. —"Oh... I understand what you mean." Kana said quietly. 

—"Please don't tell any of the other Knights about this yet." 

A frown overtook your features almost instantly after hearing that. —"What are you doing?" Daeva's soft voice whispered from behind you. 

You couldn't help the small jump you gave. You pressed your index finger to your lips, then gestured to the door leading to her room. She looked confused but followed you in either way. She closed the door behind herself and looked at you expectantly. —"Please, don't tell Vaatu any of this." Her eyes widened in sudden fear. —"It's not about him, but I'm only telling you this because you caught me red-handed."

—"Oh-kay?" She frowned, her arms still crossed.

You sighed and shook your head. —"I think Hux and Kana are building a super weapon."

Her eyebrows shot up, her arms finally uncrossing. —"Are you sure?" 

You nodded repeatedly. —"I've just heard Kylo and Kana talking about it. Some kind of ray and bigger scale, and then the Death Star was there too."

—"That sounds like gibberish." She smirked. You scowled at her. —"I'm kidding, relax." Daeva shrugged. —"I mean, is this really something we should worry about? Wouldn't that give the First Order a serious advantage over the Resistance?"

You tilted your head to the right. —"And over the New Republic too, but you're missing the point." You ran your hand down your face, suddenly realizing how dangerous this could be. —"When the Alliance defeated the Empire, all imperials that were unlucky enough to get caught got tried by the New Galactic Senate. Their crimes over the destruction of Alderaan were taken very seriously. They were all imprisoned for life or killed." Daeva opened her mouth to speak, but you stopped her. —"All I'm saying is, should the First Order lose, and any of us found, the creation of this super weapon will be pinned on all Knights of Ren, not just Kana."

—"And if they destroy anything..." Her eyes held fear, you simply nodded, confirming her fears. She sighed and sat down at the edge of the bed. —"What are we going to do?"

You shrugged. —"I don't know." You bit at your thumb. —"What can we do?"

—"Nothing, really." Kana's voice called from the door. She stepped into the room and closed the door. Both you and Daeva turned to look at her with wide eyes. —"Kylo is trying to shield all of his Knights from this general anxiety." Kana opened the door, ready to leave. She turned back to look at you both over her shoulder. —"Please... just... let him."

—"Kana." Daeva called softly, but she kept on walking. —"Nux..."

The girl froze in her spot. A sigh left her, her back to you still. She looked back at Daeva with tears in her eyes. —"Please don't call me that." Her voice was quiet.

You shot Daeva a look, then placed your hand on Kana's shoulder. —"Convince Kylo to tell all of them of this." She looked at you with angry eyes. —"If you were in our place, wouldn't you like to at least be able to choose?"

She shook your hand off her shoulder. —"You have no choice. Snoke leaves you no choice." Her eyes held shame. —"I'm sorry."

Kana walked away and slammed the door to her room. You looked back at Daeva. —"Do you think she'll tell?" 

You huffed. —"Is that really the biggest of your worries?" You shook your head at her.

—"You're not afraid because you're with him." She said angrily. —"You know he will do anything to protect you."

Something spiked within you. Your eyes burned and Daeva looked appalled. —"If you're that afraid, then leave."

You stomped off angrily. Your eyes still burned. You walked downstairs, finding that Kylo wasn't even in the Knights' quarters. Your blood boiled with anger. yet you were colder than you'd felt in a while. You needed to get as far away from Daeva as you could. You opted to go to Kylo's office, but on the way there, you noticed that his signature in the Force was near there. What would prompt Kylo to go in his office? Yet, as you got closer, you realized he was inside Hux's office, not his. You lifted your mental shields and cut off your connection to all of the Knights. You walked with purpose towards the end of the hall in the higher echelons segment.

When you opened the door, Kylo was holding the hilt of his lightsaber, ready to ignite it. —"What-What are you doing here?"

You shook your head. —"I could ask you the same thing." Kylo took his helmet off. —"What are you looking for?"

He'd been rummaging through Hux's paperwork. —"I want to know how much."

You instantly knew what he was talking about, and after listening in on his conversation with Kana, you were eager to help. Wordlessly, you began helping him rummage through other cabinets in which you knew Hux had more paperwork. You could feel Kylo's eyes on you. Quietly, he began going through the papers again. You looked over the general topic of each report, only then becoming aware of just how much work Hux did around the base. Training programs for stormtroopers, officers, higher echelons, technicians, everyone on base. Programming for any and all electronic devices. Financial planning, strategies, politics, everything. Hux did everything around here. Hux was the First Order.

Kylo cleared his throat. You looked over to him, he simply lifted a stack of paper. —"Here it is."

You walked over to him. —"How much?"

—"Too much." He sighed nervously. —"We're in deep shit."

You decided to play dumb. —"Why?"

He looked at you. He was so worried. —"The debriefing yesterday." Kylo sat down on Hux's chair. —"They're building something with the Kyber. Something that is big enough to wipe out an entire star system."

You swallowed thickly. You were truly in deep shit. Now this was something you weren't going to let any of the other Knights find out about. You wondered if perhaps Kana knew just the true potential of the thing she was building with Hux. An entire star system was surely a lot more people than just Alderaan. You only hoped that Hux and Supreme Leader were building such a thing just to bully other planets into joining the First Order and weren't actually going to shoot it. 

Anxiety coursed through both you and Kylo, creating a constant flow of the same hideous energy. You looked around at the mess you'd made of Hux's office. After getting the sudden urge to leave everything as tidy as he kept it, you began cleaning around. Kylo just sat at the desk, pinching his lower lip between his thumb and index fingers. His eyes looked lost, as though he was deep in thought. You decided not to bother him as you kept putting paperwork away. You tried your best not to get it mixed up, but you supposed Hux would notice the rummaging anyway when he got back from the mission. At least you knew he was going to be angry at Kylo and not you.

—"Hey." Kylo said from behind you. His hand was extended towards you when you turned to look at him. You gladly took it. —"We should get going if we're going to make it to the hangar on time."

You nodded and followed him out of Hux's office. As soon as you were outside his office, you let go off Kylo's hand. Luckily for both of you, it was so early that none of the other people put in this segment of base were around. He walked a bit ahead of you. You two walked straight to the hangar, knowing that someone had taken care of your luggage as they always did. You were taking one of Supreme Leader Snoke's signature onyx ships. You wandered through this particularly big ship as Kylo argued with a man at the cockpit. After you dropped your luggage in your preferred cabin, you walked back to the cockpit.

He seemed angry. —"What happened?"

Kylo shook his head. —"Nothing. This stupid idiot thought he was going to pilot the ship, but I've sent him off." He began pressing buttons and pulling levers as he initiated the take-off sequence. —"Buckle in." He looked at you and flashed a cheeky smile at you.

You mirrored his expression as you sat down on the co-pilot's seat. Soon enough, you were leaving Starkiller Base's atmosphere. It was always impressive to you how much of a gifted and skilled pilot Kylo was. The calculations needed to make a jump into hyperspace were complex, yet with just seeing the grid coordinates, Kylo knew just what to type in and what route to take. Little after you were seeing the blue and white swirl of hyperspace.

Poe Dameron came to your thoughts... the last time you'd seen him you had been so little, and so was he. It was little before he left to join the New Republic Defense Fleet. He was like Kylo in the sense that he had been taught to fly by a parent figure, not at an academy. You dared say their flight skills were at par, but you knew Kylo would disagree. Kylo was four when he was eight, and both were already somewhat gifted pilots, prodigies for their short age to be sure. 

This was going to be hard. You didn't want to be face to face with someone from your past, little less with someone you held in such high esteem. Dameron surely presumed you dead, killed at the hands of Ben Solo. You doubted any intel knew who Kylo Ren was underneath the helmet. Maybe that was precisely why Supreme Leader had strict orders about the use of helmets. Still, he'd made it sound like your identity was the priority to be kept secret. Your mother wasn't the General of the Resistance, so why did he insist so much? What did he think the Resistance could possibly see in you? You'd gone too dark, down to a point Kylo hadn't even gotten close yet.

You walked towards the cabin followed by Kylo. Your thoughts had proved too troubling, so you closed your eyes and were lulled to sleep by the hum of hyperspace.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader is suffering, but maybe something will click back in place when she sees Poe again?


	3. Apoptosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back after the longest hiatus ever. Sorry!

_The harsh, dry sun burned at the nape of your neck. Sweat continuosly ran down your forehead, you were forced to periodically run your sleeve across your head so as not to get any of the sweat falling from the crown of your head into your eyes. Your boots uncomfortably sank ever-so-slightly into the sand which each step you gave. This had been the longest you had been stuck in one of these desert visions since you had begun having them. Yet, there were no signs of anything significant going on in that hot waste this time._

_The wind was picking up as the sun began to sink down onto the horizon. All you knew at that point was that you had been walking east all this time, as the sun had been burning your back for the past hours. Then, all of a sudden the sun was gone in a matter of seconds. You hated desertic ecosystems, they warmed up during the day up to uncomfortable temperatures, then became mercilessly cold as the night set in. Any time the wind blew across the desert it only carried two things: cold and death._

_The discrete boom of a small ship pulling out of hyperspace made you jolt your head backwards to the direction of the ship beaking into the atmosphere. It was an aerodynamic little battle ship, and seeing as how it did not possess the shape of a TIE fighter, you immediately recognised it as an X-wing Starfighter. The Resistance was known to make use of that type of ship, so it was only natural that you followed the direction the ship flew. You ran as the ship flew to the southeast. Soon enough, a small camp came into view._

_Little fires and tents were lined up beneath you as you stood on top of a hill of sand. The X-wing had landed a few yards away from one of the biggest tents in the small settlement. You made your way down the hill of sand, nearly tripping once of twice. A shiver ran down your spine as a frigid gale of wind blew through your black robes. You quietly and cautiously made your way to the tent you presumed the pilot of that X-wing had gone into._

_An old man with a receding hairline and white stuble held a worried frown on his face. A short man with dark curly hair clipped somewhat short gave his back to you. The latter gave off a bright, warm energy that felt somewhat familiar to you. The loud beeping of a BB unit that was speeding towards the tent made you even more curious. The moment the unit went in, you dared draw the curtain covering the inside of the tent to the side._

_You froze as the curly haired young man snapped his head back towards your direction. It was not that you felt observed, he was actually staring right through you. It was those dark brown eyes, the left one lazier than the right. It was that nose with a bulky tip and thin lips. The hopeful, yet sad stare those dark eyes held in them. You could see that everlasting expression even underneath the worry that plagued his current feelings. It was as though you could see this man without the stubble beard on his cheeks and the square jawline he'd developed. You'd recognise those glistening, hopeful eyes anywhere. And you knew they belonged to none other than Poe Dameron._

_With eyes filled of fear, his mouth opened and he spoke. "We've got company."_

 

 

 

You drew in a sharp breath as you came to your senses. Kylo snored softly beside you, blissfully unaware of your troubling thoughts as you shielded your mind from even touching his. You'd become a master of hiding your feelings and thoughts from Kylo, but you thought it was because he was very unsuspecting of you even doing this. Still, you'd been forced to become good at hiding those kinds of things from your fellow Knights over the last few years so as not to spread the general bad vibes your dreams, thoughts and feelings evoked ever since you had executed your father. You'd even tried hiding your Force signature from the other Knights and proved successful. Hiding from Kylo was impossible, though. You presumed it was due to the firm bond your had with him ever since Kalakar Six, or perhaps it had been from the time you'd tried to Force drain him.

A shiver ran down your spine as a particularly cold feeling filled your skin down to your bones. The memory of being nearly chocked to death by Kylo all those years back, and how you had almost drained his life Force was a rather dark corner of your mind you hated touching. It made you feel fear, resentment and somehow powerful. You looked at Kylo as he peacefully slept beside you. Somehow, you couldn't help the feeling of jealousy and the angry scowl that took over you suddenly. Your negative feelings proved to be piling up too fast to be that early in the morning. 

Climbing out of bed, you decided to exit the room, suddenly becoming overwhelmed with the thick and weakening feeling of a wave of depression hitting you. Your lower lip stuck out in a nearly unperceivable pout as you walked through the hall of the ship, your eyes fixed on the floor as you found yourself unable to lift your head up. You scratched at the back of your head as you let out a heavy sigh through your mouth. You felt incredibly torn. A part of you wished you had never committed patricide and given this sinking step into the Dark side of the Force. Yet, there was something in you that wanted to tear apart this softness in you and embrace the terrifying power that laid into the depths of this mysterious and dangerous side of the Force. Then, there was you in the middle of all that mess, yearning to find a balance in your connection to the Force.

The frustration was quickly becoming overwhelming to you. Feeling powerless over your emotions didn't equate well to the amount of power you held in the Force. You felt it incredibly irresponsible to be so powerful and so unstable all at the same time. It was scary, it was making you feel helpless and a bit stupid all at the same time. A single tear slipped down your cheek and down to the floor. Your vision slowly became blurry as a bout of tears began to collect at your eyes. You sat on the floor of the hall.

Even as you tried to think of happy memories, think of Kylo, of your good times with him, there was a part of you that always slid back into memories of his short temper and how often his aggressive side had you dragged through the shit beneath him. Still, you couldn't really remember a time when Kylo didn't have full control over your temper and your emotions. Even as children, Ben Solo had always known precisely what to do or say to have your mood swing in any direction. You doubted Ben Solo was ever aware of his ability to do that. Kylo Ren was a whole different story though. He knew he possessed that ability and exploited it to his advantage every time he or Supreme Leader Snoke saw fit. Even moreso now that he had been assigned to be your emotional babysitter. 

You quickly tried to wipe your tears away as you heard the heavy thump of Kylo's heavy footsteps coming up the hall. You stared at his wide frame as he sleepily walked towards you, hair pointing in all directions and the bedcovers wrapped around his shoulders. He stood next to you in the darkness of the hall and tilted his head a bit to the right as he looked down at you. You quietly returned his curious stare. Kylo sighed and sat next to you, snaking his hand behind your back and covering you with the duvet. 

He carefully tilted your head to make it rest against his shoulder. —"What's wrong?" A shaky breath escaped from you as you tried your hardest not to begin crying again. —"I feel like this is somehow my fault." He said quietly. —"I just don't know how I messed things up this time."

You simply shook your head to the side. —"You haven't." Though it came out so soft it was barely convincing.

—"You know..." He began. —"This is very hard for me. I can feel you being sad and I feel bad that I can't do anything to help you." Kylo drew in a sharp breath and turned to look at you, looking into your confused eyes. —"Sometimes I hate that you're depressed."

Anger coursed through you. A huff left your lips as you indignantly stood up. —"You hate that I'm depressed?! Try actually being the depressed one, asshole!"

Kylo scrunched his face up as you raised your voice. He had fucked up and he perfectly knew it. —"Poor word choice, huh?"

—"Yeah! Are you fucking stupid or something?" His eyes shot up in surprise at your words. —"Is this your best try at being supportive? Because you are absolutely shit at it."

He shook his head as he stood up, suddenly making it harder for you to talk down at him. —"I was just trying to help."

A sarcastic chuckle left your mouth. —"Trying to help? How? By telling me how very inconvenient my depression is to you?" 

—"Then tell me what's wrong so I know how to help!" The frustration was palpable in his voice. —"What is wrong?"

You shook your head. —"I don't know!"

With no warning, he punched the wall. —"Fuck!" He screamed. —"What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why can't you go back to being you?!"

That pulled at your heartstrings.  _Why can't you go back to being you..._ It echoed through your mind. Your anger was suddenly washed away by a thick river of depression. Going back to being you... but who had you been? Who were you now? Wordlessly, you began walking back to the room, somehow hoping a shower would wash off Kylo's words. 

—"Wait! Myra!" His voice was loud but not angry. —"Please." He said in quite a commanding tone for a word of plea. —"Wait!" Kylo said more commandingly.

You shook your head. —"No."

As soon as you began walking again, he placed you in a Force hold. —"I said WAIT!"

Something dark rose within you as, not only you broke the Force hold, but pushed against him. —"FUCK OFF!" His eyes grew wild as he strode towards you menancingly. Somehow, this time you didn't feel scared. —"What are you going to do this time?" What you said threw him off. —"Huh? What's it going to be? Are you going to choke me? Push me, maybe? Or is it going to be more manipulation?"

Kylo had a way of expressing anger and sadness all at the same time. —"No." He stood still for a moment, then gave you one last condescending look before turning his back to you.

That must have been the angriest shower you'd ever taken. Was Kylo's idea of being supportive really just making your problems about him? In truth, you couldn't really think back to a moment when he'd truly been sensitive. Surely, he had helped you through some of your worst crises, but his idea of support was just being there. That had always been okay for you, though. You wondered what had gone through his mind to think it was okay to say all that shit to you. 

 _Why can't you go back to being you?_ That was a personal blow to your ego and something that honestly had you wondering if Kylo Ren even liked you anymore. He'd said it with such contempt that you honestly doubted he liked the person you'd become even one bit. A part of you believed it was merely jealousy of you being Knighted before him. There had certainly been some tension between the two of you ever since Kalakar Six, but you were never able to tell if it was your shift into the Dark or the fact you completed your training before him. In all honesty, you were too afraid to ask.

The ship pulled out of hyperspace as you finished dressing up in full Knight attire. You looked at your helmet and debated whether or not to wear it inside the ship. Deciding you really did not want to see Kylo straight in the eye, you slipped the helmet on and made your way to the cabin. Kylo was sitting on the pilot's chair, he looked back at you and then tilted his chin over to the co-pilot's seat, motioning for you to sit down. He was in full armor already, he'd probably taken a shower in the other room in the shuttle.

—"Would you do me a favor and take control while I go get my helmet?" 

You nodded and he was quick to get out of his seat. He'd already done the hard part and broken into the planet's surface, giving out the diplomatic First Order codes. Vardos was the capital of the Jinata system, loyal to the Empire and then the First Order when they came along. It was a city-like planet, mimicking Coruscant but not nearly as big or populated. A big diversity of races lived together in the planet, twi'lek, mirialan, but mostly humans. You wondered what the Resistance could want in a system whose loyalties had been set clear more than 30 years ago.

Kylo walked back in with his helmet on and you were quick to switch to the co-pilot's chair. Silence reigned in the cabin as he followed the coordinates Claec had sent to him. You had already gotten into the prettier part of the planet, filled with tall skycrapers and fancy shuttle cruisers. There was a building that stuck out between the rest, it was tall, black and aligned with the First Order's insignia. You knew that had to be the place where you were going, it seemed to be the parliament of the planet. Kylo began asking for permission to land. 

As soon as he landed the craft, you got out of your seat, quietly followed by Kylo. He stood next to you as the ramp lowered. —"Are you okay?" He asked through the voice modulator of his helmet. You simply directed a vacant stare at him, then began going down the ramp wordlessly.

You stepped on the black marble floor of a grand courtyard that stood at the foot of a tall black marble tower. Elegant trees with white bark and thin red leaves adorned the circular courtyard, perfectly matching the red in the First Order insignia that was printed on the long flags that hung from the base of the building. The weather was significantly cold. You pulled your shawl over your helmeted head as the wind hit the back of your neck. 

Hux stood next to the minister in charge of ruling over the planet in behalf of the First Order. Eldor Calnio was about 5'7 but the imponent way in which he squared his shoulders and tilted his chin up made him seem taller. His fixed stare parted from hazel eyes with tints of yellow. A thick head of white hair and a trimmed white beard gave away his age, but his skin was pale and seemed soft at touch. You placed him between 45 and 50 years of age. Claec stood a step behind the two men, right at Armitage's right. It was always funny to you how Hux really couldn't hide his disdain for Kylo even for the life of him.

—"Commander Ren." The minister greeted in a voice a lot deeper than you'd originally imagined. —"Knight." He sunk his head in greeting and you mirrored his actions. —"Be welcome to Vardos. Follow me, please."

The man gave his back to you and all five of you made way to the inside of the building. A cold breeze blew, bringing something more than just cold shivers with it. Something was off, Claec spared a single glance over his shoulder. Then you saw it coming in a flash, your hand lifting up just in time to stop the blast from hitting Kylo. A tiny fiber of laser levitated in the air, crackling before you sent it back to the direction it had come from. You heard a yelp at the distance, a group of stormtroopers immediately leaving in that direction. Kylo Ren turned slowly to look at you expressionlessly through the visor of his helmet. Someone had just made an attempt on his life.

The minister urged all of you to follow him quickly inside the building. Kylo seemed to have other plans as he set a single foot in the direction the troopers were going. —"Ren." Hux called calmly. —"Is that really the smartest move? To go right to the person who just tried to kill you seems a bit... inconvenient."

—"I agree with the General." The minister said quietly. —"The troops can handle this."

Hux's stare turned cold when he heard the static coming from the voice modulator. You were quick to interrupt. —"We'll handle this." You said as you motioned for Claec to follow. Without hesitation, he trailed behind you obediently.

 _—"Get inside quickly."_ You whispered into Kylo's mind. 

He gently nudged against yours.  _—"Thank you."_

You looked back at him, his stare firmly fixed on you as he went up the stairs leading to the entrance of the building. You nodded at him and turned around. What a great start to the discreet mission you were looking to embark on.

—"You were impressively quick." Claec complimented.

—"Just enough to avoid that." You shook your head. —"How did he not see it coming?"

Claec shrugged. —"He seems distracted if you ask me." You cleared your throat uncomfortably. —"Did something happen?"

A tiny sigh came out through your voice modulator. —"We had a fight on the way here." Claec was about to ask about it when you held your hand up gently and continued speaking. —"Nothing too relevant, very inconsequential. Pay no attention to it." The troopers had stopped somewhere in between the building and a dark alley. —"We have more important things to attend to right now."

The body of a young woman laid on the pavement. The shot you sent back had hit her right in the stomach, making her fall from a balcony three storeys above and dying at impact. You could tell from the binoculars resting on the rail of the third floor. —"Clear the building, bring those binoculars down." You instructed the stormtroopers.

Claec began looking through the pockets and bags the girl carried with her. She was not wearing an insignia, but the orange piece of fabric wrapped around her bicep gave her away. Resistance. Stupid of them to let you know it was them, yet just smart enough not to use anything that could definitely have this attempt pinned on them. She was pretty, pale white skin, blue, expressionless eyes, plump lips that were beginning to turn purple, hair pulled back into a bun. She honestly looked no older than 25. And the Resistance dared call you the monsters for training children to be soldiers. At least you weren't the ones letting them out into the field as simple children and actually waited until they were adult enough to handle themselves in a fight.

—"Clear, ma'am." A trooper called from the third floor.

A weird feeling enveloped you. Familiar, aching, and very sad. You looked up and saw as a head of dark curly hair quickly hid behind the roof once more. Something in you wanted to speak, but you remained silent.

Dameron...

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, we begin part two of this story. I hope all of you enjoy this first Chapter and keep following the Reader's journey alongside Kylo. Let me know what you all think, you know I love hearing from you guys!


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